


This is how it is.

by A_Dawn



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Aftermath, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Cheating, Dysfunctional Relationships, Established Relationship, Happy for some, Kinda?, Loss of Trust, M/M, Repairing Relationships, Trust Issues
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-10
Updated: 2018-05-13
Packaged: 2019-05-05 01:34:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,484
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14606289
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/A_Dawn/pseuds/A_Dawn
Summary: All relationships fall apart eventually. Whether it be because of time, temptation, or a betrayal of trust.Still, it is truly painful when they fall apart like this. The question remains, however - can they be built back up again?Zitao cheats on his boyfriend Yifan with Yifan's best friend Chanyeol. Chanyeol is engaged to Zitao's best friend Baekhyun. Or was.A short story told from four perspectives.





	1. Zitao

**Author's Note:**

> An old piece of mine from aff (where I'm also A_Dawn, but I used to be PoisonedApples6 if folk feel they recognise this but don't recognise the name change!) but with new life! It was originally a oneshot, but I've recently been inspired to continue it so stay tuned~

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zitao drowns in the guilt of betraying Yifan, and struggles to make a decision for the both of them.

_Hit me. I fucking dare you._

 

_A fist at my collar and a fist pulled back. Hit me._

_I can’t move. I can’t stop you. There’s a wall at my back and I’m not going anywhere with you blocking my way. Hit me._

 

_I think it hurts more when you don’t._

 

I don’t know how you found out; you weren’t supposed to. I regretted it the moment it happened, and I wasn’t going to let you know. But someone told you, and now you can’t trust me. I hate them, whoever it was. I don’t deny that I’m the one in the wrong and they were only doing what was decent to do - I would have done the same in their position - but I hate them. If they had just minded their own damn business, if they had just kept their mouth shut, if I had just told you first... If I just hadn’t done it.

 

_“What’s his name?!”_

_“Yifan, I didn’t mean-”_

_“Tell me his name Tao!”_

_“He wasn’t-”_

_“I bet you can’t even remember it, can you?! I bet you didn’t even know it!”_

_“Yifan-”_

_“You fucking whore!”_

 

I think my heart died that day. I think it shrivelled up and stopped beating. I think it shattered into a million little pieces, and the shards are now ripping through my body, trying to escape because they don’t want to be associated with something as disgusting as me. I think I broke your heart, too. At least, I should have done. But you became so stoic, so emotionless, that I’m not sure what to think. I hurt you, that much is obvious, but I’m not sure in what way. Was it because I’d trampled on your pride, your trust; was it because I betrayed you?

Or was it because you loved me? Because you _love_ me? Was it because I was supposed to love you? Is it because I still do?

I can’t remember how many things you broke that night; your phone, the television, the bathroom mirror, the skin of your knuckles. When you calmed down you let me bind them for you. We didn’t talk. I didn’t know what to say and you had nothing to say. I cleaned your hands, bandaged them up and made you dinner - you never were much of a cook. I made your favourite. You didn’t eat it.

 

_“Beautiful.”_

_I don’t reply._

_“This whole thing. Fucking beautiful.”_

_I pretend not to hear the words that are stabbing into me one by one. I pretend you don’t mean them to._

 

We had sex for the first time that night. We lost our virginity to each other when I was seventeen, but that was the first time we _had sex_. Before, it was making love - you always insisted on calling it that, despite my constant cringing at how cheesy you sounded. You said it should never be done without love, so we should only ever call it that. There was no love that night. Our every move was a result of bitter anger and guilt. Nothing more. My cries were hollow and your kisses stung. Every touch burned, but not like it usually did; not the way I loved. It felt like it’d leave scars. I hated it and I was never going to let it stop. To this day I know that any attention I can get from you if enough. No matter how many times I’m broken, I’m still fixable if I have you; if it’s you breaking me.

 

_“He was my best friend.”_

_“I know.”_

_“He was going to marry yours!”_

_“I know.”_

_“Then, why?”_

_“...I don’t know.”_

 

The next morning you held me tight and wouldn’t let go. You told me we’d get through this. A mantra: repeated over and over, whispered into my ear until it was all I could hear, all I could think. I wanted to believe you, I really did.

I told you I loved you. I barely breathed it, but you heard. I think you wanted to believe me too.

Then you left for work, and when you came home you couldn’t even look at me. I don’t know what happened to change your resolve so drastically within such a short space of time, but it did. I should have expected it.

 

_“Yifan?” Silence. “Fan, I-” What can I say? “...What do you want for dinner?” I’m a coward, I know._

 

Three days later and you finally acknowledged me again. It was five am and you tipped me off the mattress. In my life I had never been so happy to land face first on the floor. It felt like I lay there for hours, unmoving. I didn’t know what to think of it. Eventually, I got up and made breakfast. When I came out of the kitchen you were waiting at the table. I placed your plate in front of you and was about to move away when you pulled me into your lap. You didn’t say anything, you didn’t even acknowledge me, but that arm clutching around my waist was enough. You anchored me, even as I started sinking.

 

_“They called off the wedding.”_

_“Oh.”_

_“Chanyeol’s a mess.”_

_“He would be.”_

_“It serves him right.”_

_“I guess it does.”_

_“It broke Baekhyun’s heart to do it, but he was brave enough.”_

_“...Then what does that make you?”_

 

One night you came home and stalked to our wardrobe. You pull out an array of fabric and threw half of it at me. You told me to change and go wait by the car. I didn’t ask where we were going. Anything you told me to do, I’d do it. I’d do it, because you didn’t leave me.

 

_“Sit.”_

_I obediently sit on the barstool you direct me to. The place is crowded and the lights hurt my eyes. I never liked clubs; you know that._

_“Stay.”_

_I do. I’m frozen as you walk over to him, the sound of your laugh ringing numbly in my ears. You don’t look at me. I can’t take my eyes off you. I watch you leave with him, whoever he is, and stay as you told me. Eventually, I give up waiting._

 

I couldn’t sleep without you next to me. I hadn’t been able to for years, but that night was truly the worst. My mind tortured me with images of what you could be doing. What you would be doing. What you _should_ be.

You arrived back in the early hours of the morning. I listened to your every move, knowing you knew I’d be awake. You took your time. Steps on the carpet, the zip on your jacket, your clothes hitting the floor, drawers opening, drawers shutting. Finally the bed dipped and your arms encircled me, your chest pressed against my back. You turned me to face you after a few minutes and buried your face in my hair. I don’t know how long we just lay there, breathing in each others presence. It seemed perfect, but there were so many things wrong with the scene. You were holding me too tight, and for the life of me I couldn’t bring my arms up to hold you back. I couldn’t hold the tears back. You didn’t try to stop me, and if nothing else did that showed how unfixable we truly were. You hated seeing me cry. You _hated_ it. You hated crying in general. Some macho shit about showing weakness, but I knew it was really because you never knew how to handle it; how to stop yourself from crying with me. It hurt me that you didn’t try to stop me, but it hurt me far more that despite everything I’d done you still cried with me. Because you shouldn’t have. I didn’t deserve your tears anymore than I deserved you. I wanted you to hate me. I wanted you to scream and yell and hurt me as much as I had hurt you. I couldn’t help but take a perverse satisfaction in you going home with a stranger that night.

 

_“You know what’s really unfair? I couldn’t even touch him. I couldn’t touch him, because every time I tried I thought of you and the guilt swept over me like a tsunami. I don’t understand how you could have gotten past that guilt... Or maybe you didn’t have to? Maybe you didn’t even feel it? I know it only happened once. I know you say it will never happen again, and I believe you! I wouldn’t still be with you otherwise, but... How could you? Did you think about me at all? Did you think how much you would hurt me? How you could have been not just breaking up your own relationship, but someone else’s too? And not just anyone else’s, but our best friends’? I don’t understand it. **I can’t.** So please, explain it to me because it’s eating me alive.”_

_“I don’t know what to tell you Yifan.”_

_“The truth!”_

_“The truth? The truth is that I have no fucking clue what was going on in my head. What was going on in either of our heads. I didn’t think about you, not until afterwards. I wouldn’t have done it if I had. If I had remembered you then I couldn’t have. When I did I swear to God I wanted to throw myself out the fucking window. It was a mistake Yifan. It was the worst fucking mistake of my life and I’d do anything to take it back but I can’t.”_

_“Then what do we do? What do you suggest we do now that you’ve so royally fucked up? Because I’m gonna be straight with you, I can’t look at you without wanting to throw up.”_

_“Then end it.”_

_“Tao-”_

_“No, Fan, stop. I can’t stand this. It’s my fault and I hate it but if you won’t end this I will.”_

_“... I love you Zitao. Did you ever love me?”_

 

A fist at my collar and a fist pulled back. Hit me.

You never did though. You were never anything but good to me. And this is what I did to you?

 

_“Goodbye Yifan.”_


	2. Baekhyun

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Baekhyun struggles to trust Chanyeol again, and home no longer feels like home.

_“I really don’t want to talk to you right now Tao.”_

_I’m being politer than I should be, I think, maybe. I don’t have the urge to be cruel though, or the energy. I’m just tired._

_“That’s fair. I just wanted to apologise to you in person. I know it won’t change anything, but I’m sorry.”_

_He leaves directly after, and I’m kind of grateful. He’s not trying to fix this. That means I don’t have to, either._

_I play with the ring on my finger, ignoring the ring of my phone. I answer after the third turn._

_“Hey, Chanyeol.”_

_“Are you finishing soon? I was going to cook, but I know you sometimes run late on Fridays.”_

_“Nah, I’m almost done here. I’ll be home in under an hour.”_

_Home. That doesn’t feel right._

_“Okay. I’ll make your favourite.”_

 

I held onto it for a while, when I found out. I didn’t know how to bring it up. Didn’t know if I wanted to. I had called you that night, missing you; missing home. I don’t think you ever realised, even when I confronted you about it later, that you answered in the middle of it all. 

 

_“Fuck, Tao.”_

 

I shut down that night, and in the morning claimed my phone had died. I held onto what I’d learned for a while, but eventually I couldn’t. I was surprised how easily you admitted to it, when I asked. You seemed almost assuaged to be rid of the secret, passing it onto me. I distinctly remember thinking it was unfair, how something that was meant to unburden me only burdened me further, and relieved you. I can’t really remember how I felt about that, though. I think I’d numbed my responses. I think I still am.

 

_“I’m sorry Baekhyun. It was a mistake. A huge, awful mistake. I promise it only happened once. I know that’s once too many, but I promise you it will only ever be once. Please, please give me another chance. Let me prove it to you.”_

_“How?”_

_“Let me gain your trust again.”_

_“Yeol, that could take years.”_

_“You’re still calling me Yeol, though. That has to mean something, right?”_

_“I mean at this point it’s kind of habit.”_

_“You call me Chanyeol when you’re angry with me.”_

_“You think I’m not fucking angry with you right now?”_

_“I think you don’t want to be.”_

 

You were right. I didn’t. I didn’t want to be angry with you. I didn’t want a reason to be angry with you, but never the less you’d provided one. A reason to be angry, livid. A reason to leave. I didn’t want to leave though. We were happy, weren’t we? We had been happy. We had been enough.

Was I still enough?

 

_“Where are you?”_

_“What do you mean? I’m at work.”_

_“You were meant to finish at 5.”_

_I don’t mean to sound as accusing as I do. A little, but not that much._

_“Stuff’s ran over, Baek.”_

_Baek. Huh. Are you trying to placate me? I don’t actually know. Am I reading too much into this?_

_“Stuff?”_

_“Stuff. Work. You know, that job I do?”_

_Not trying to placate me then. Gotcha._

_“Can you FaceTime me right now?”_

_A huff. You sound annoyed._

_“Are we really doing this?”_

_I feel like that should annoy me, what right do you have, right?_

_“You said you wanted to-”_

_“Regain your trust. I know, I’m sorry, today’s just been stressful. I didn’t mean to be a dick about it.”_

_Okay, I am reading too much into this, okay._

_“Okay.”_

_“Let me go to the break room, yeah? I’ll call back in a bit.”_

 

You hung up before I could respond, and I wondered why you couldn’t stay on the phone whilst you moved. It was dumb, but I counted every second of the three and a half minutes it took you. We video called, and you didn’t make a big deal out of the visible relief I had at seeing your work’s shitty coffee machine. You really had had a bad day, I discovered in our short chat, but you were still trying. You were trying and so was I, and we could fix this. 

I hated it, though. Being like this. I was never naturally a paranoid person, not a possessive person, not jealous. I didn’t like being those things, yet this is what you’d made me be. I didn’t like myself. I still loved you, but you made me not like myself.

I found myself reflecting on an argument we’d had in university, still young and dumb and new to it all, where you’d been upset because I’d been flirting with someone else. Harmless, I’d claimed. Hurtful, you’d decided. I guess our boundaries were always pretty different. I grew out of it – flirting less fun when people started expecting things from it – and you did, too, jealousy over small things a fruitless effort. I found myself wondering if this would have happened had I naturally been a more jealous person to start. I found myself wondering what would happen if our roles were reversed.

 

_“You’d leave me.”_

_You’re doing the dishes, back to me, and I can’t see your face but I can see your shoulders tense with the statement._

_“If you were in my position, if I had cheated” – you wince – “you’d leave.”_

_I half expect you to get angry, half expect you to change the subject like you usually do whenever I pick an argument._

_“I wouldn’t.”_

_I don’t expect you to deny it, though, after you promised to be honest with me._

_“Don’t lie to me Chanyeol.”_

_I’m still watching your shoulders as they somehow coil even further, then sag._

_“I wouldn’t want to.”_

_That I believe. I don’t want to, either._

_“But you would. I’m not saying that’s what I’m going to do, but bear it in mind. Forgiving you is going to take a lot.”_

_“I understand that, I promise.”_

_Like you’ve promised to be honest, faithful?_

_“We need to call of the wedding.”_

_Finally, you turn – aggressively enough to have dish water spraying across the kitchen – and I can see your face. You look panicked, sound it._

_“You said-”_

_“I’m not leaving you,” I assure you quickly. That’s not what I mean, I’ve made my decision to at least try, “but I’m not marrying you either.” Not now. “Not now.” I’m not sure when. “I,” I’m struggling to say this,” “I think we should call off the engagement entirely, in fact. I can’t… I don’t know when, if, I can do this.”_

_“Okay.” You don’t sound okay._

_“And I need space, need a break. Just for a bit, but I want you to leave.” Leave, because I can’t bring myself to._

_“Okay, whatever you need.” You sound resigned. You look close to tears, and I pray you don’t cry because it would break my resolve entirely and I need this. “I,” you’re struggling, too, “How long is a bit? Like… should I stay with my brother, or should I start looking for my own place?”_

_“What? No!” I panic, at that. “Not- You don’t need- Not that long, no, god no. I… I want to try Yeol, I really do, but right now I just need to sort my head and I can’t do that with you around because it’s clouding everything. I need to think through all of this on my own.”_

_“Okay. However long you need, just let me know.”_

You looked terrified, but I knew you would have agreed with anything I asked of you that night. You were worried that without you around I’d realise I didn’t need you but, overpowering that, you were petrified that fighting this would make me resent you, and that possibility was far worse. If you had argued, I would have caved. I’d have asked you to sleep on the couch, instead, and if you’d opposed that I’d have let you hold me, as you had been every night since. But you accepted it, which I was grateful for, even if you still looked like you were going to cry. I think if you’d cried I would have caved, too.

 

_“I need to be reminded that I’ll miss you.”_

_You smile, a sob cracking through as it reaches your eyes. I move to hold you. I hesitate. That’s what tips you over, tears spilling down and I’m moving again. I hold you, that night._

_You leave in the morning._

 

I worried all the time, about if I was making the right decision. Was I wasting our time? Was this fixable? I met Yifan regularly, both of us in the same boat, and voiced these concerns to him. I don’t know how much help either of us were to each other, but I didn’t have to pretend around him. Didn’t have to justify. Yifan didn’t have an opinion on what I should or shouldn’t do, when the rest of the world did. It was probably because he was as clueless as I was, so yeah – I had no clue if we were actually helping each other, but it was comforting. He was angrier than I was, but he wanted to try too. The anger was directed at Tao, I think, hardly at you at all. I wasn’t sure what to make of that. There was probably something there – he seemed relieved when I told him about the wedding – but… I couldn’t tell. Maybe he was just tired, like I was. I didn’t have the energy to be angry at Tao, or you, even if I should have been. I just didn’t want to see him. It hurt me to see him.

Honestly, it hurt me to see you, too.

 

_“Hey, you okay? You said you’d be home by now.”_

_Home. It doesn’t feel right. Is it because you’re not there these days?_

_“I don’t… I don’t know if I want to see you tonight Chanyeol.”_

_“Oh.” I can hear it, in your voice, that silent resignation. “Well, I’ve cooked, so I guess… I guess I’ll leave it here for you and go back to my brother’s a little earlier than planned.”_

_“If you’ve not eaten you should have some yourself.”_

_“Nah, I made it for you, your favourite yeah? I want to leave it for you.”_

_“Okay.” Is this okay? I twist the ring on my finger, uncomfortable. After a while of not wearing it, it feels foreign on my skin. You don’t know I’m wearing it again. I’m not sure if I want you to know._

_“Can I… Can I see you tomorrow?”_

_“Let’s play it by ear, yeah?”_

_“Okay.”_

_You’re not okay._

_“I’ll call you?”_

_“Okay.”_

_We’re not okay._

**Author's Note:**

> Come yell at me on twitter @KimPDawn !


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